In the Interest of Living

I started writing this entry last week, at work, on a Friday. I started continuing this entry on Saturday. Here I am, on Sunday, and I’m going to try and wrap it up and move on to another topic.

I wanted to write about dreams, because of their importance in my own survival through childhood, and their importance on my sanity at this current stage of my life.

As a child, dreams were an outlet for control. The lack of control I had in my life, I could take back in dreams. I was almost constantly lucid in my dreams, and had a blast making things happen around me.

As I grew up, I often would become lucid, but as I went through adolescence I came to find that dreams became an outlet for everything. That the ‘me’ that was lucid, was more like the Id, unfettered by higher logic and reason. I both knew I was dreaming, and was driven by more base drives while lucid. I also, however, found that more and more my dreams gave way to my full subconscious leaving me in a very ‘sleep’ state. No more lucidity.

As an adult now, I have hardly remembered my dreams. One pattern that never fails is that when I start to finally get enough sleep again in a row. 8 Hours or so a night, that I start to remember my dreams again. I also start to be far more able to deal with and get through a stressful day.

When I’m in this more whole state, I often forget how I get when I don’t get enough sleep. That I lose the dreams doesn’t seem like a loss for the time I’m gaining. That I only start to get 6 hours of sleep a night doesn’t seem like a loss. Except, over time, spinning, spinning, spinning. Things go out of control and I need to restore myself.

I’ve had about 2 weeks now of 8 hour sleeps every night almost. My dreams are back, and I’m more rested and need less caffeine to get through the day. The headaches are fading now that I’m having less caffeine too. I can get to sleep at night regularly again, also.

Dreams are symbolic for me of myself being in a good state. I feel more grounded.

I feel less fear.

I guess what I’m saying is, sleep is important.  I’m glad I’m getting more again.  Dreams are important, I’m glad I’m having more that I recall come morning.  It’s a beautiful day.

Peace,
Shane

I’m often given to blaming various tethers that keep me back from the things I want to be doing. Blaming a tether is easy. It takes the responsibility off of myself. It takes the burden of accountability right down off my shoulders and places it on various tethers. Some days I feel free of tethers, and those are good days. More importantly, though, I need to not look at these things as tethers. It’s just on me, here. I’m the real reason I don’t move forward.

I started writing this entry as I often do, with the royal we. “We’re often given to blaming various…” etcetera. I’ve written that way almost constantly. It usually sounds preachy, and I’m starting to see that it’s presumptuous as well as fearful. I wrote that way, inclusively, because I want people to understand that most of the things we feel, most of the ways we feel damaged, or dark, or different, that they’re not unique. That many people feel these things and feel themselves alone.

That’s what I told myself, that I was being inclusive for that reason alone. The truth is, as I go forward, it was more out of fear of standing alone with my convictions or feelings. Putting myself out there fully and embracing the way I am and the things I think. I’m not always right, and what I feel isn’t always good. Moreover, my simply writing and sharing how I’m feeling or being or acting is inclusive enough. People will either relate or they will not.

The above two paragraphs were more of an aside, as I really do want to talk about tethers. I blame that I’m overweight for not moving forward with certain things. I blame that I’m overweight for having social anxiety. I blame social anxiety for a vast number of other things that keep me from moving forward. It’s easy to blame. It’s easy for me to get locked into that and just sit in stagnation as a victim to all these tethers.

I don’t know how to cut the tethers exactly. Sitting here, writing these words, it’s easy. There’s no anxiety talking about my anxiety. It’s when I’m faced with a crowded street, or shop, or restaurant, or pub, alone. That’s when it strikes. That’s when I turn around and look for an empty locale. It’s why I like places that are off the beaten path. It’s why I’m the way I am. It’s also why I need to cut the tether. Tonight, I’m going to to somewhere I wouldn’t otherwise go. Anywhere with people. Maybe Kensington Market. Maybe just Futures bakery. Maybe the Green Room. Who knows. Somewhere with people.

I feel ridiculous talking about this. I really do. I always figured that this would change with age. As I brought people into my life that I trust and care about. As I get more comfortable in my own skin. It’s not rational. It needs to stop. I choose to be comfortable in my skin today. We’ll see if today agrees.

Peace,

Shane

I Gave Too Much

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

The above quote has come to my attention recently, and has made me become rather contemplative about how I interact with people and the world around me.  I’ve often put myself in a position where a person has been a priority, and conversely, I was their option.

It’s easy to lose yourself in trying to bring happiness to someone.  Trying to help people understand.  Find their way.  Trying to foster connection.  Trying to prevent them from feeling pain.  Shelter in a storm.

It becomes easy, when conversations reinforce the feeling of making progress.  That they appreciate your actions and status of priority.  It’s easy to lose sight of a lack of reciprocation.  It’s easy to have your sense of self worth inflated on one hand or in one perception when really you’re valuing yourself less and less by the sustained inequality.

I suppose I’m really dancing around the issue.

I think it’s important to have truly reciprocal relationships.  People are worth that much, and deserve what they send out.  The time they put into friendships and relationships.  If that doesn’t happen, move on.  There are billions of people in the world.  You can only sustain so many reciprocal relationships before you’re spread too thin and they start to fall apart anyway.  Love, freely, but be careful that you aren’t shorting  yourself in the process.

You deserve to be the priority of the people you also make a priority.  You’re worth more than being an option.  You’re worth more than being a fall-back.  So am I.

Peace,

Shane